'Twilight' - A recap, because they are too boring to re-watch.
'Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2' - arrives in theaters tonight and if you are like me and practically slept through the first four, the following is my recap (I promise not to put you to sleep):
'Twilight' - Bella Swan (the very sleepy eyed Kristen Stewart) finds herself a reluctant new resident of the constantly cloudy Forks, WA - and a good thing it's always cloudy because Forks just happens to be home to a clan of vampires and werewolves. Based on the widely popular teen books by Stephenie Meyer, this first of 5 films kicks off with a yawn rather than a bang. Somehow the 'bite' of the Meyer novel just didn't transfer to the big screen - due in large part to the very wooden and lifeless acting from the two main characters Stewart as Bella and Robert Pattison as Edward (who I still contend as about as much talent as a wooden log). For two very long hours the stage is set for the future movies and we are subjected to one character after the next brooding over the life that has been handed to them or equally brooding over the mortal Bella. By the second act I was wishing a vampire would come take me away.
'Twilight: New Moon' - The second installment of the series actually clocks in longer and is in fact MORE BORING! Over 2 hours of longing looks and heavy sighs fill this tiring mess. Now we find Bella, hopelessly in love with a vampire that cannot have her without first turning her. In addition, Bella is now beginning to feel her age (seriously, I think she is 18 at this point, good Lord, I am 49 and still not feeling my age!) and longs to settle down with Edward (who, once again is an undead vampire). The rest of the movie fills in the background of the vampire and werewolf clan as well as some additional sub plot of other vampires wanting to rule the world. Unless you are heavily invested in the series and read the books (to help make it actually exciting) - this second installment is actually more boring than the first. Sorry TwiHeads.
'The Twilight Saga: Eclipse' - Ok - so now the clan has moved to Seattle (I think, both cities are equally grey) - and this third installment explores the love triangle of Bella (Stewart), Edward (Pattision - still as wooden as a log here) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner, basically a set of abs with a BIG toothy grin). While not as boring as the previous two installments, it does border on the ridiculous as Jacob after all is a werewolf. Now far be it from me to draw lines when writing about horror/scfi or fantasy - but COME ON! All this is set against the building backdrop of a vampire civil war as well as interspecies war between the vamps and werewolves. All with Bella in the center looking longingly at Edward...no wait, Jacob....no wait, Edward....cheese it, I can't keep up. Let's face it, these movies will never appeal to me, it is aimed squarely at the teen romance crowd and tries to be nothing less - and I guess that is a good thing for all involved, they are getting paid! Be that as it may, while it may not appeal to me, they should at least put the effort in to make it somewhat good. And while this 3rd installment is a big step up; that is due mostly to the direction and has nothing to do with the terrible acting.
'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1' - OMG! OMG! OMG! Bella and Edward get married! OMG! OMG! Oh. My. God. Please make it stop! Ok, so I was a bit more upbeat with the third installment, I held out hope that they were headed in the right direction. I was wrong. So, now Bella and Edward are married and have to deal with the consequences of one half of the couple being UNDEAD! Add to that the complication of Jacob (really dude? Take a hint, she married the other guy - no wait, I should say that to Bella) and the pending vampire civil war. Luckily, the last 30 minutes of the film are somewhat enjoyable and offer a much brisker pace and hope for the final installment later tonight. But the previous 90 minutes are boring and unintentionally hilarious (if you haven't seen this yet, you might just have to for the most ridiculous honeymoon scene I have ever witnessed). Spoiler alert - they plant a demon seed.
So - by now all of the TwiHeads that read this fine blog are probably ready to storm my gates with pitchforks, some silver and a couple of wooden stakes. Let me humbly submit that I like the twilight books, Meyer is an excellent author and they have a spot on the bookshelves (which is more than I can say for my pending work) - but that doesn't excuse the film makers for putting crap up on the screen. All told, the twilight films are lazy, boring and simply a money grab for the producers as well as everyone else involved. What gets to me, they could have been so much better! That's why I am so critical. that and I HATE Robert Pattison. I am sorry ladies, he is the worst actor ever!
Alrighty then! Go enjoy the 5th and FINAL installment! My review on that one to follow!